As a therapist who works with individuals and families, I find that many misunderstandings could easily be worked through with an adjustment to our communication patterns. I love working with individuals and families on healing their own hearts as well as their relationships with those they love. I hope these tips help you too. :)
I want to share with you 5 strategies that we often use that rarely help us get what we need or want. I’d also like to share how to turn those losing strategies into winning strategies that help us feel heard, seen, understood, and validated.
Losing strategies:
The need to be right
The need to control another person’s thoughts, beliefs, or reactions
Unbridled self-expression (yelling, name-calling, shaming)
Retaliation (you hurt me so I am going to hurt you back)
Withdrawal (shutting down or leaving and not coming back)
Many people turn away from conflict because they don’t know how to have hard conversations or haven’t learned how to do them successfully. However, when we don’t say how we feel and ask for what we need… we often feel resentful and unfulfilled deep down in our soul. This can be a very dangerous and lonely place to be.
How can we turn these hurtful and harmful behavior patterns into something that will help us feel heard, seen, and valued and also draw us closer to those we love?
Winning strategies:
Try to see the other person’s perspective by pausing, listening to understand and acknowledging from an authentic place. Then thank them for sharing. Once you do that, they will diffuse and be more open to listening to you and your perspective. Be sure to share your perspective from a clam place.
Sometimes when we are losing control of a situation we begin to feel anxious. Create a plan that helps you feel grounded. Let go of anything you can’t control and let the unfolding happen. Use positive self-talk. “It’s going to be ok. Everything is going to be all right. I just need to stay calm and breathe.”
When we find ourselves escalating and the anger rising in our belly we need to take a deep breath and request a time-out. Never just leave. Always give a set amount of time for when you will come back and continue the conversation. If you come back and are still escalated in emotion… request another time out. Do this until you can talk without unbridled self-expression. Time-outs give us a chance to calm down, process, and put into words how we feel and what we want to say.
Hurt people hurt people. Try not to retaliate from a wounded place. Bite your tongue and practice deep breathing. Take a big deep breath in… hold it…. exhale nice and slow. Do this several times until the desire to lash back diffuses and you can show up as the person you want to be.
When we withdraw - we don’t get our needs met. Withdrawal can be just as harmful as yelling and screaming. Speak your truth from a calm place, stand in your power, and ask for what you need. If you need some time to process, ask for it with a promised return time.
Relationships can be challenging at times but when we learn how to communicate in a loving and vulnerable way, we can repair, heal and deepen our relationships. We feel deeply connected and more emotionally fulfilled. There is no such thing as perfect, but our goal is to progress in the right direction. Change takes consistency and time.
I hope that these communication tips help you in relationships with those you love. I am so grateful for all of you and the light you bring into my life every single day. It is such an honor and privilege to share space and a community of love with you.
Much love,
Allison
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